Love like a parent

Us and Mom enjoying family time at the Silent Disco.

I was surprised to hear this story from my mom.

You see, Asian families don’t often say the “L” word. Perhaps it’s shown in the form of asking if we’re hungry or cold. Our love language, as an ethnicity, could be “acts of service”. Maybe as immigrants, our parents felt like their sacrifices to raise us in a new country with boundless opportunity was their way of showing that they cared for us, so they didn’t feel the need to verbalize it. Whatever the reason, I didn’t hear this word much and never really said it either (except when I sang my favorite R&B songs).

Which is why I was surprised to discuss a simple, yet profound, scene that my mom witnessed. At a local senior center, she noticed a middle aged Asian man holding hands with his mother, and felt the deep level of affection and kindness between the two. They even mentioned the “L” word, “love”. This scene prompted my mom to question why she didn’t have this relationship with my brother and I, despite her many sacrifices as a young parent building a new life for her family in a new country. From working a part time job to be able to drive us around to different activities every day, to planning and cooking every meal (we didn’t eat out much), she put a lot of effort into supporting the family. And yet, my brother and I rarely said “thank you”…let alone the “L” word.

Hearing this was heartbreaking. Of course we were eternally grateful for all the sacrifices she made. But my mother and I both acknowledged that we didn’t really know how to show it. She didn’t see this scene play out much when she was a child, and neither did we. However, we both knew that we wanted to have this deeper relationship with each other. More than just a simple acknowledgement of the other’s efforts, we wanted to learn to show happiness, kindness, and affection for each other. So we promised to say this more often.

I’m still working on it. It still doesn’t come naturally to me. But as a parent myself, now I am getting a lot of practice saying “I love you” to my little love.